if cartoons were meant for adults, they'd put them on in prime time
written @ 2003-11-26 - 1:44 a.m.

it is completely disconcerting to me that i am absolutely unlike anyone i know. not that i want to be or be like anyone else, but i really wish i could understand the motives and feelings of others. it would help me out tremendously. in a totally narcissistic and somewhat nihilistic way, i shut out everything but my own concerns. it's because i truly feel that what i am thinking is right and true and pure, and when i don't get reciprocated in those feelings, my heart, head, and gut all turn cold.

so it's safe to say i don't get what i want most of the time. and when i do, i am surprised.

but really, this isn't the path i intended for this entry. i really just wanted to comment on how i have a different view on things than most people--a different set of priorities. and that's what gets me in trouble most times.

maybe i need attention more than i think. hi, i'm lori, i'm an only child. *shake*

hmm...i'd say i'm due for something really good to happen to me. i want it to come easily, too. i think i've dealt with enough shit this year that something can be handed to me.

please.

fight the powers that be
written @ 2003-11-25 - 2:47 p.m.
spinning: foo fighters - "monkey wrench"

i'm bummed because chuck d spoke at my school last week and i didn't know about it until after the fact. i read about it in the school's newspaper while hanging out in the photo lab the other night, and my heart sank. chuck d is mos def one of my heroes. not because he's a rapper, but because he's a smart rapper concerned with activism and culture and everything else i care about.

i'm also bummed because matt sharp (you remember him from weezer and the rentals) played at mtsu this weekend, and i missed it as well. it was a charity event where admission was only 3 cans of food per person. i could've definitely swung that.

tonight the labcoats will be invading the kitchen of the emo house. lisa and i are cooking dinner for the boys. it should be fun. when i told andy mason about it earlier, he sounded so excited. and he said he missed me coming around all the time. andy has a heart of gold, folks.

poetry corner
written @ 2003-11-24 - 11:33 a.m.
spinning: feable weiner - "moron, less off"

You know...
I don't feel keeping tigers as pets is as cool as it seems
with the meat
and the fur
and the nails
and the teeth...
Is that corn between that tigers teeth?
That tiger has corn between his teeth.
How was that tiger eating corn?
What the hell's going on here?
It's not corn?
What it is then?
...pieces of a raincoat?
I'm sorry...I didn't know.

sifl and olly, the sifl and olly show! (rock)

vagueasaurus
written @ 2003-11-23 - 8:07 p.m.
spinning: i'm actually watching tv

01. everyone knows bicycles only need two wheels, so forgive me if i blow off hanging out with the both of you on weekends.

02. i wrote you back, so i hope we can put all of this, however of a laughing matter it is to you, behind us.

03. when i said i don't like you, i meant it. i don't like you. end of story.

04. are you serious? having a coke habit is so '80s. and passe.

05. just because you're with child doesn't mean you can talk to me like i am one.

06. boy friends mean more to me than any boyfriend.

07. girl friends, too.

08. that's why i've been getting bored with my dates lately. i feel like i'm cheating on my friends. you say that if i found the right person, my feelings might change. that may be true. but i can say right now that finding that "right" person isn't on the top of my priorities list.

09. you need to let me know i mean something (anything) to you. remember: small gestures count big.

that's the day i'll throw my drugs away (when they find a cure for pain)
written @ 2003-11-22 - 1:47 a.m.
spinning: sweet sounds of LYLAS still filling my brain

i learned in criminology that a woman will contemplate leaving an abusive relationship seven times before she actually does. i'm on #6.

of course i'm not saying i'm in any kind of physically abusing relationship. that's hardly the case.

i just took two darvocets and one percocet.

kicking and screaming
written @ 2003-11-21 - 5:59 p.m.
spinning: the stairs - "carpenter ghost"

Q: how do you make god laugh?
A: make a plan.

sad day, full of insecurities and lonliness...and a little bit of spite. bitter because things aren't easy. i may be, but things aren't.

that's a little joke. yes, little.

just feeling unloved, feeling left out, feeling uncompromisable. not asking for pity, just in want of encouragement.

this is what happens when you live alone, when you are left without human contact for hours upon hours. when you're ready, your friends aren't. and you get depressed and let down.

you build things up. people disagree. things shatter.

you try not to let it bother you. but it does, and you say things you don't mean. well, you may really mean them, but you don't mean them to sound as...mean.

and then you apologize later, and things move on.

it's just that friendship and comradery mean more to you than anything.

a song is not a song until it's listened to
written @ 2003-11-20 - 2:01 a.m.
spinning: the divine comedy
room temperature: 45 degrees farenheit

this--

"i could explain what i meant. but i shouldn't."

--will not stop bothering me.

what a tease. what a fucking, fucking tease.

keep it country, boys
written @ 2003-11-19 - 4:09 p.m.

i don't know why i do these things. nobody's really interested.

X fifteen favorite random things x
1. clean bedsheets
2. uninterrupted sleep
3. making mix tapes/cds
4. thick-rimmed glasses
5. my denim jacket
6. one-inch buttons
7. spontaneous roadtrips
8. unnecessarily long voice messages
9. inside jokes
10. new shoes
11. boston
12. late-night IM conversations
13. bedtime phone calls
14. fall colors
15. craft night

x fourteen favorite foods x
1. chips and salsa
2. pal�s hotdog (no onions)
3. crawfish etouffee
4. cherry limeade
5. green beans
6. peanut butter
7. chicken salad
8. atlanta bread veggie sandwich
9. spinach lasagna
10. black beans and rice
11. sweet tea
12. la carreta cheese burrito
13. potato-bean goodness
14. pineapple

x thirteen most watched shows x
1. the daily show
2. late night with conan o�brien
3. the simpsons
4. adult swim
5. designing women
6. law and order (the original)
7. south park
8. futurama
9. six feet under
10. my so-called life
11. newsradio
12. kids in the hall
13. the sopranos

x twelve good bands x
1. the pixies
2. the replacements
3. ben folds five
4. superdrag
5. the cars
6. the features
7. self
8. pavement
9. the postal service
10. the beastie boys, dammit
11. failure
12. thrice

x eleven memories x
1. bands in the park, last october
2. martha�s vineyard, summer �01
3. kansas effing city, summer �02
4. rock and roll hall of fame, summer �03
5. the last days of radio
6. england, spring �97 (all cathedrals look the same)
7. warped tours galore
8. wham! party
9. ANYTHING i�ve done with lisa (�social butterflies�)
10. shot parties with the reverend
11. seattle, summer �01

x ten close friends x
1. lisa
2. jeremy
3. april damn dye
4. jd
5. larissa
6. ben m.
7. kimberly
8. courtney
9. pj
10. jeff

x nine things to look forward to x
1. pay day
2. being well again
3. moving
4. seeing my dog
5. the sutler this friday night
6. the boro next friday night
7. actually going home for thanksgiving this year
8. graduating at some point possibly soon
9. being in love�maybe?

x eight things you wear daily x
1. socks
2. makeup (how much varies)
3. some form of t-shirt, usually ironic
4. deodorant
5. watch
6. hair product
7. rad shoes
8. the color black somewhere

x seven annoying things x
1. those girls (one in particular)
2. pretension
3. conor�s voice
4. allergies
5. rivals
6. itchy, mysterious rashes
7. being scene

x six things you touch every day x
1. the keyboard
2. my car
3. cell phone
4. my mouth
5. snooze button
6. toothbrush

x five movies you could watch continuously x
1. amelie
2. donnie darko
3. butch cassidy and the sundance kid
4. the jerk
5. this is spinal tap

x four favorite childhood toys x
1. lite brite
2. etch-a-sketch
3. rainbow brite
4. g.i. joe

x three people you have kissed (the last 3) x
1. jeremy
2. ben frank
3. the chad

x two favorite songs x
1. lost in the supermarket � the clash
2. such great heights � the postal service

x one person you could spend the rest of your life with x
1. sophie flugenbaum

the song remains the same
written @ 2003-11-19 - 2:01 a.m.
spinning: the microphones - "tonight there'll be clouds"

i haven't been to Exit 59 in over a month. i had to fight habit tonight in order not to make the turn that leads to APT109. instead, i drove about a mile down the road to visit The Chad.

he's the same. everything's the same. he's still writing music, still preoccupied with image. he's still smoking pot, but has laid off the painkillers. he still...*sigh*.

we ate chocolate chip cookies and listened to the new beatles. it was good.

driving home just now, the moon was amazing. no, the moon is amazing. this is present tense here now. it's a quarter moon peeking out, hanging low in the sky, its brilliant yellow hue electrified against the blackness. it's the kind of moon you only really see in cartoons--and i know it sounds corny, but i kept envisioning that cat with the fiddle sitting on top of it.

it was a cat, right?

no bother. work again tomorrow, but not until late. all six hours today were spent organizing belts by size and color. but, somehow, closing with jeremy, david, and jason was fun.

uh oh
written @ 2003-11-18 - 12:11 p.m.
spinning: the high strung - "it's on"

why do i find this so endearing and adorable?

Stuartvs2080: omg
Auto response from tastylimefreeze: can't sleep, clown will eat me
Stuartvs2080: omg omg
Stuartvs2080: Oh I used that as away message once
Stuartvs2080: so played out lori
Stuartvs2080: holla at me when you come off tour
Stuartvs2080 signed off at 3:01:57 AM.

competing crushes, whatever will i do?

and apparently i'm hanging out with The Chad tonight after work, so...we'll just see how that goes.

a regular raconteur
written @ 2003-11-18 - 12:43 a.m.
spinning: the softies - "the beginning of the end"
room temperature: 59 degrees farenheit

ok, as per request, i'm not writing about it...except to say that i have $7 in my wallet right now, i don't get paid until next thursday (meaning next week, not this one), and i can't afford the gas to be driving to nashville for virtually nothing. so, if you wanna hang out, you need to get your ass to the boro more often, yo. dig?

i guess i won't be seeing much of you then, huh? i won't be seeing much of anybody because nobody wants to drive to murfreesboro. being in the minority sucks.

i miss the closeness i used to have with jd. since he and courtney have been together, i feel like a spark has left our friendship. it's almost to the point where i feel uncomfortable around him, almost even uncomfortable being in their new house. i've been thinking about that lately, and about how i don't enjoy the house as much as APT109. it just doesn't feel as cozy or inviting. maybe it's the hardwood floors. maybe it's because they don't have that massive couch anymore. mabye it's because ben is gone (did i really say that?--i kid, of course.). i can't really tell...only, that something is different.

and here's another reason i'm glad i'm not moving in with ross. he told me before that he was going to purchase a gun to keep in the house for precautionary protection purposes. honestly, i was absolutely uncomfortable knowing there'd be a gun in the house because, well, i'm liberal, and that's totally not my way. but, i just kept quiet because i knew it wasn't my house, but his, and who was i to say what he could or could not have inside it. another thing i don't have to worry about, i guess.

i do really need to write him back. i just haven't really put together what i want to say to him in the way i want to say it. i'll try tomorrow.

poo poo say nasty
written @ 2003-11-16 - 4:02 p.m.
spinning: morphine - "thursday"

yesterday i:

*didn't eat anything _all day_
*worked for seven hours in an overcrowded tourist mall
*saw zach in line at sbarro
*bought a new cool winter scarf from fossil
*got off work early
*took a nap
*called everyone i was supposed to (mark, jeremy, lisa, jessica, and kimberly)
*received calls back from mark, jeremy, and jessica
*met jessica, carolyn, and kyle at la siesta, as per plan
*was disappointed that i was not invited to laura's apartment for pre-boro beerfest
*got trashed at la siesta (remember the no eating part?)
*along with jessica and carolyn, was talked into ditching lucero and riding to nashville to go to shirley street station for hipster bluegrass night
*drank lots more tequila in the car...yeesh
*met two new cute boys for my list: tom and stuart
*got complimented on my hair a lot
*saw some amazing songwriters
*slept at jessica and carolyn's house

today i:

*woke up to find kyle had moved from the couch to the bed with me
*was curiously not hungover
*discovered the new bigger size frappucino
*rode back to the boro with kyle and carolyn where we then proceeded to go thrift and antique shopping
*have to go to a store meeting in a few hours

not such a bad weekend. had lots of fun thursday in johnson city with the honky boys. their show makes me smile. some peculiar things about that night, though...maybe i'll talk about that later. yes.

project lori's new apartment starts this week.

i miss my dog.

bright light city gonna set my soul on fire
written @ 2003-11-12 - 10:56 p.m.
spinning: elton john - "mona lisas and mad hatters"
room temperature: 50 degrees farenheit

in my new mail folder today:

lori i was just checking to make sure you were okay. i hope you don't hate.
sorry
Most sincere -
Ross

i don't have the time to write him back now, but believe me, i will take the time later.

viva kingsport.

we're the beastie boys, not cheech and chong
written @ 2003-11-11 - 11:35 p.m.

tell me if this is shallow.

i talked to eric earlier. he's the third boy since this summer who has wanted to date me, and i guess i've been kind of dillydallying in the idea of possibly dating him...i haven't really been all that interested, but i thought i'd get to know him a little better and maybe something would happen. well, he called as i was driving home from opryland, and the conversation started as the normal "how was your day? blah blah blah," but then it made a turn for the worse.

i don't remember exactly how it was brought up, but he started in on how he doesn't think rap is real music and how rappers aren't artists, saying they're stupid and can't spell and rap only about things that lower-life forms would find interesting. i assume he's talking only about most popular rap artists like, say, nelly or sisqo and whatnot, and i say something to the effect of, "well, not all rap is like that. some of it is quite intelligent and complex." then he challenges me to name some, and of course i mention mc paul barman and the beastie boys, and then i'm interrupted. "the beastie boys!" he said. "they're an affliction to my ears!" and goes on about how much he thinks they have no talent and they're no different than the crap you see on trl. so, i'm silent for a second and then i ask if he's ever actually heard the beastie boys, and if so, was it something other than license to ill. he said no, and i brought up their other albums and how great they are, and i cited "the negotiation limerick file" on hello nasty as my primary example on why some rap has actual literary merit and should be considered as so (in case you don't know, that whole song is a bunch of limericks). then i explained to him that some rap is incredibly complex with the rhythm and the rhyme and could be very much like pentameter. he was stubborn and didn't seem very convinced or even open to being convinced.

so, i don't want to date him.

you insult the beastie boys, and you insult my life.

i know it's necessary to date someone who doesn't have exactly the same interests as you, but something so horrible, i just can't forgive. some clashing in religious or olitical ideals i can ossibly let slide, but bad taste in music...there's no way. i mean, this dude's favorite band is the drokick murhys (ok, guess which key on my keyboard isn't currently working for some reason). not to sound elitist, but damn.

AND...he thinks the newer seasons of the simsons are better than the older ones.

no. fucking. way.

fickle tennessee weather
written @ 2003-11-11 - 1:59 p.m.
spinning: the delgados - "all you need is hate"

i don't like to see my friends upset. i don't like to see my friends hurt. i don't like to hear my friends cry. especially about such complete bullshit.

i'd really like to say something to her, to speak my mind, but i know that would probably create a much more heinous outcome than if i said nothing. i will trust that my friend will stand up for herself and they can work this out themselves.

for now, i am quiet.

by the way, there's a completely unrelated double-meaning to that last statement. something's really been bothering me...but i can't talk about it yet. not that i'm afraid to, but the timing just isn't right. and, by the looks of it, it might not be right for a while.

it's just a brief smile crossing your face
written @ 2003-11-10 - 3:50 p.m.
spinning: elgin park - "crush 78"
room temperature: gettin' colder....

i did this once before, but that was about five months ago, and i think the list deserves a little update. some are the same.

these songs, they're the ones that matter...to me.

twenty songs on the soundtrack to my life

lost in the supermarket - the clash
"i wasn't born so much as i fell out..."
no surprises - radiohead
i maintain this song will be playing when i meet my soulmate.
radio radio - elvis costello
my first exposure to an incredible man
root down - beastie boys
i was too young to have experienced very much of their first 3 records, so ill communication was what i had to go on at first, when i was about 13. this song (and its video) helped turn me on to a whole other style and culture.
ballad of el goodo - big star
"years ago my heart was set to live...."
here comes a regular - the replacements
paul westerberg stole my heart when he said, "you're like the picture on a fridge that's never stocked with food." that line...is so applicable...to every relationship (and, hell, non-relationship) i've had.
you're so last summer - taking back sunday
everyone loves "the truth is that you could slit my throat/and with my one last gasping breath/i'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt," and so do i.
you never give me your money - the beatles
i never was a diehard beatles fan. but i never was a beatle-hater, either. i have to hand it to a couple people, though, for showing me the beauty of this song. jennifer and jeremy--you two should meet sometime.
such great heights - the postal service
it's november, and that's still the best record i've heard all year.
so real - jeff buckley
his voice is haunting and incredible; this song is raw and amazing. my favorite part is when there's all this fuzz and noise going on, and then everything is silent for a second, and jeff says, "i love you...but i'm afraid to love you."
philosophy - ben folds five
the last song i ever played on-air at wabn. i thought it fitting.
between the bars - elliott smith
"keep you apart deep in my heart separate from the rest where i like you best--" that's for you, elliott. xo.
fuck and run - liz phair
i really can't say much about her now, but liz phair used to have a lot of wit and integrity. her album exile in guyville was an anthem of mine of sorts. it still is, really. she wrote and played the whole thing herself, and recorded it on a 4-track in her bedroom. and the cool thing about it is it's an 18-song direct rebuttle to the rolling stones' exile on main street.
we're just friends - wilco
i'd marry jeff tweedy tomorrow if i could. he's like ryan adams, only not an asshole.
la la love - the pixies
without a doubt, my favorite band of all time. rock and/or roll, i think i smell a bit of both.
head over heels - tears for fears
i didn't pay much attention to this song until i heard it in donnie darko. sometimes i like to think about if i was the age i am now in, say, 1982, what music would i be listening to? i think probably tears for fears. new wave. the cars would probably be my favorite band, actually.
sucked out - superdrag
ok, by far, not the best superdrag song. but, the sound of it brings back so many memories--of april dye and johnny g., of knoxville, of p.j., of the summer before college.
suzie q sailaway - self
oh come on, did you expect me to leave self out?
cool kids - screeching weasel
everytime i hear this, i think about the muse (translation: m a t t b e l l).
tears in the holston river - johnny cash
i've talked about this song before. so as not to risk redundancy, do some back-reading, kids. just to clarify, however, this is actually a carter family song. it's on the album will the circle be unbroken, but johnny singing it live...is so powerful.

that took a long time. i've almost bitten all my fingernails off.

"baby's got the bens," take 12
written @ 2003-11-10 - 12:52 a.m.
spinning: am i really listening to spinal tap?
room temperature: 49 degrees farenheit

anything i could possibly say right now will sound cliche.

but,

"...really, you believe in selfishness. You were not intended for martyrdom, so you live for yourself. It's cliche, certainly, but the thing about cliches is that they're so dreadfully applicable to everything."

thanks, girl. feel good that your words resonate with at least someone.

i've been thinking about the Bens today--all of them. one of them i hope i never hear from again; another i keep giving second chances to; and the last couldn't be dearer to my heart right now, even though he is miles and miles away.

maybe i'm lonely? i can't even tell anymore.

...and in the end, the love you take is equal to...wait, what is it? the love you take is equal to the love you make? or is it the other way around? or am i even close? ugh! i'm so stupid! stupid stupid stupid!

ha.

you can take the girl out of the country, but you can't take the cunt out of the girl
written @ 2003-11-09 - 3:33 a.m.
spinning: elliott smith - "no name no. 5"
room temperature: 51 degrees

tonight, for the first time ever in my life, i have felt proud of my heritage.

thank you.

too bad
written @ 2003-11-08 - 2:51 a.m.
spinning: outkast - "hey ya"
room temperature: 56 degrees farenheit

well, what i really wanted to get him i can't.

it was going to be an awesome present.

well, probably more awesome for me than him because it's definitely not something i do all that often, but i think he would've enjoyed it.

a lot.

"don't worry, i didn't make it as cool as yours"
written @ 2003-11-07 - 1:51 a.m.
spinning: ben folds - "rockstar"

i haven't been starstruck since a year and a half ago when i saw david cross perform at exit/in. that was my first date with The Chad, by the way. i hate when good memories are made bad by stupid people.

anyway, tonight i saw darren jessee's new band (they're called "hotel lights") open for nada surf. i hope that you remember darren was the drummer in ben folds five. so yeah, BF5 being probably my 3rd favorite band of all time...i really couldn't believe i was seeing him. he's a good singer, too. of course, he would have to be to have carried out all those harmonies before....

when we got there, darren had just begun playing, and, because nashville is old and lame, everyone was just standing in the back with their arms crossed. i wanted to see darren up close, so my friends and i went up to the stage, and it was just us there, in the front row. it made darren smile. i wanted to talk to him afterwards and tell him he was the main reason i came, but he disappeared before i got the chance.

john davis, formerly of superdrag (#4 on my all-time list), played next, and, i must say, his set was pretty disappointing. i can't really think of a reason why except to say that it just wasn't...it wasn't superdrag. which, i guess is why he is choosing a solo career for the moment, but...i dunno. i'm not saying that to be an elitist or a purist, but...i just can't explain it. and i wasn't the only one who felt it.

nada surf was awesome and kept their cool despite the drunken frat people behind lisa and i yelling out "popular!" after every song. 2 favorite parts: during one song, the drummer pulled out a coach's whistle and played that, and, as a surprise special guest, sean from the long winters came out and sang some harmonies. it was great.

let's see, who did i see there? courtney, jd, katie, dan, lee, chris, zach, david, and brian. oh, and the rockabilly boy from cafe coco who usually wears eyeliner said hello to me...which is weird cause i didn't realize i was a regular enough of a customer there for them to recognize me in public.

tomorrow the features are playing. saturday is jeremy's birthday. i have no money for either. but, as always, i'll get by.

i'm still sick, too. actually, i went to the ER yesterday, and had a CAT scan. a CAT scan. i've never felt so...grown up. anyway, my nose is a little broken, and i'm not allowed to work for 3 days. i just wish i felt better to truly enjoy the time off, you know?

if i can sleep in my car, then why can't i sleep in my bed?
written @ 2003-11-05 - 4:39 a.m.
spinning: the beastie boys - "the negotiation limerick file"

i kind of want to write something, since it's 4:30 in the morning, i'm not in bed, and i've got nothing else to do. but all my thoughts...they don't go anywhere. i can't seem to finish a sentence in my head.

i was asleep earlier. kind of. i think i slept for about an hour earlier, on my back, which is entirely unusual. i can't get comfortable; i get hot and cold, and the enormous pressure in my sinus cavities along with the pit of anguish and dispair that has taken over my stomach aren't leaving me much room for dreamland.

i woke up about 40 minutes ago absolutely starving since the only thing i had to eat yesterday was half a slice of cheese pizza from the mall. i looked for something to eat here, and all i could find was a can of tuna. so, i opened it up, and shared it with sophie, and now i have indigestion again. i feel bloated and horrible. tastes like burning, indeed.

god, i'm so thirsty. so very thirsty. i drank 2 liters of water yesterday and was still dehydrated. i can't say it enough: i don't know what's wrong with me. i don't have to be at work until 7 tonight, so i'll probably go see a doctor when i get out of bed. you know, i could probably just go to the ER now...i don't think i have all that much energy currently, though.

last time i went to the ER i guess i had a pretty bad fever because they hooked me up to an IV and pumped this salution in me to cool down my bloodstream and hydrate me. that really sounds very good right now. well, not the whole IV needle thing, but whatever it was--i guess it was some kind of saline--when it was running through me, it feel so...well, just calming and cooling and nice.

my nose is starting to itch. does that mean it's healing?

i'm still gonna say this is all because mom made me get a flu shot last year. i've never had a flu shot in my life until she made me do it over christmas break last year. and i've never gotten the flu in my life either, until i started contracting various unknown viruses of unknown origin this year. that one shot jinxed me for the entire year to come. if i go to the hospital tomorrow, that'll make 4 times in 3 months. thanks, mom.

by the way, my mother called me today for the sole purpose of asking if i liked rye bread. that was all. apparently she bought some, and dad doesn't like it too much, so she's gonna put it in the freezer so i can eat it whenever i come home. you probably think that's cute, but i think it's annoying. then again, most everything my mother does, good intentions or not, i think is annoying.

{time lapse: 7 minutes}

well, at least now i know for sure that yesterday wasn't just food poisoning. this must be what bulimia is like. great. no more eating. ew.

ok, it's after 5. i think the sun will rise soon. funny how most of you will be waking up soon after a restful night, and i'll probably still be up tossing and turning.

i just want to be better.

ain't that a kick in the head
written @ 2003-11-04 - 1:57 a.m.

well, i just threw up for absolutely no reason whatsoever. i've been feeling nauseous all night, and finally i guess it came to a head. for a little while there, i was just laying sleepless in bed, doubled up in a gaseous, bloated mess, thinking that perhaps i had somehow contracted whatever the hell was wrong with jeremy last week. but then i sat up for a bit, and the urge hit me. and now i feel 100% better.

but i haven't eaten much of anything today (one piece of pita bread and hummus is all), so...ok, you probably don't want a description of me vomiting, so i'll stop there. sorry.

i'm going to attribute it to the fact that i could have broken my nose yesterday. klutzy mcklutzerson over here ran face-first into the door of t.g.i. friday's, and it left a nasty bruise on the bridge of my nose. the girls at work think i might have a small fracture. my sinuses have been really messed up because of it, and i think the massive drainage is making me sick. it's gross, and it hurts, and i don't even have a cool fight story to go along with it.

{time lapse: 9 minutes}

and, again. dry heaves this time. what the hell is wrong with me? jesus.

ridiculous. i wish i could just sleep. s l e e p. this must be what i get for lying to fossil last week about seeing zach galifianakis.

and, for the record, ben moses is an exception, too, and i'm leaving off the "even though" part this time to explain why he is an exception: he realizes his mistakes and cares about setting them right.

{time lapse: 6 minutes}

oh hey, third time's a charm! what the eff? there is nothing in my stomach. sweet lord, make this stop.

anyway, i'm regrouping from yesterday's main event, and looking for new housing. it's all just a blessing in disguise, really. if you're confused, drop me a line.

today's lesson in japanese: a polite culture is wrong
written @ 2003-11-03 - 10:57 a.m.
spinning: metric - "succexy"

taking it slow, huh? pleeeeease.
give me a break.

ben frank, don't even.

why am i nice to people even though i'm mad at them?

major event in my life. not writing about it, though.

some things are just too personal, i guess.

domo arigato, ross.

two song warning
written @ 2003-11-02 - 3:10 a.m.

01. here is my idea for my own personal hell: i am stuck in an overcrowded, non-airconditioned, dark, smoke-filled room forced to listen to my least favorite bands. the bands get worse and worse the further down in the layers of hell you go. it would probably be something like this:

layer 1: thursday
layer 2: smashmouth
layer 3: goo goo dolls
layer 4: bright eyes
layer 5: phish/widespread panic
layer 6: rush
layer 7: flesh vehicle

i hope none of those are your favorite bands. but hey, we're all entitled to our own opinions, right?

02. i wish...i wish i had something nice to say about death cab for cutie, but i really don't. i will admit they sound better live (i think, anyway), but ohmygod, 2 hours? they played for 2 hours. that's just enough to make me want to slit my wrists in front of all elliston place. it was hot, i was miserable, and i was bored, so i went outside for a good 45 minutes. and i came back and they were still playing!

ok, i will say something nice. i'd probably like death cab under a different circumstance. like, if i was sitting alone in my studio apartment in seattle drinking whiskey and watching it rain...yeah, maybe. and, hey, they didn't make my seven layers of hell list, did they? i just couldn't--not after seeing mates of state rock my socks off with their fun, poppy selves. seriously, how can they play shows together and expect people not to feel altogether bipolar? that's what they should've called this tour: manic depression 2003.

i dunno, maybe i'm just in a bad mood right now because i'm so thirsty and dehydrated, and i didn't even have enough money to buy a bottle of damn water at the gas station i stopped at on the way home. what's that? why don't you not be a bottled water snob and just drink some tap water, you say? i'll tell you why not. murfreesboro water tastes weird. i'm not joking. something about it tastes...off. plus, old house = old pipes, and that adds to the weird taste.

so, i'll just wait. it gives me something to complain about.

03. i just counted, and 19 people i know were at this show tonight. and i don't mean "hey, i know him/her from somewhere..." people, but actual people i know and am friends with. i'm not saying this to be all "look how popular i am! look how many people i know!" or anything, i am just amazed that so many people i know were in the same place at the same time like that. it's even weirder because they don't all know each other. niedermeyer: dead! independent lori: dead!

heh. "my worlds collide, and all i want is a shady lane...."

04. ben frank was there, and i know he saw me at least 3 times. and again, didn't say a word to me. what's with him? i hope he tries to apologize over instant messenger again like he did about the whole 12&P cold shoulder incident.

of course, i didn't talk to him, either, but, in some situations, i think it's more of an issue of one specific person coming to talk to the other. especially since the 12&P cold shoulder incident. i went up to talk to him that time, and you see what that got me.

whatever. people named ben are assholes. no more for me, thank you.

ok, ben gibbard, you are an exception, even though your band played for 2 hours tonight and almost caused me to have an anerysm.

and ben folds, you're an exception, too, even though you have three ex-wives.

nerd alert
written @ 2003-11-01 - 11:20 a.m.
spinning: desaparecidos - "give me the pen"

01. the other night driving home from nashville, i turned on 88.3 (my college's radio station), and they were playing the song "thursday" by the features. first of all, i was perplexed because as big of a features geek as i am (even though i'm not on the message board...yet), i was not aware of a recorded version of that song. where is it? 7-inch? probably. anyway, as i was listening, i was thinking how weird it was to hear a produced and recorded features song rather than just hear it live. ok yeah, rock kids, i know you're saying "duh" right now because of course a recorded version of a song is much different than hearing it performed live and in color, but it's just...they haven't had a record in a loooong time. so the versions of the songs we've all come to know and love are the live ones. i'm sure the new LP will be great when it's released in the next few months, but i think it will take a little getting used to.

02. i've gotten into this nasty habit of waking up early. no matter how late i stay up, i can't seem to sleep past noon anymore--or even anywhere near noon. like, last night, i came home and went to bed around 4-4:30. what time did i get up this morning? 9 o'clock. fucking 9. it is saturday, right?

03. speaking of, this is my first saturday off in two months. so, even though it's incredible outside (first day of november and it's 70 degrees--fickle tennessee weather, right?) i don't want to do ANYTHING. i just want to lay around and waste my day away solely because i CAN, because i am given that option today.

but then again, probably come 1:00 or so, i'll become extremely bored, and, faced with living-by-yourself cabin fever, you, friends, should expect phone calls. heh.

04. let me just say: lamest halloween ever. chrissy built this party up in the boro to be something exciting, but turns out it was just a handful of people she and ross went to high school with hanging out. and, by the time we got there, they were all drunk, and we weren't. so, on top of not knowing anyone, i was sober enough to care about not knowing anyone. although, one girl did come up to me and say, "were you at hot hot heat?" there were so, so many people at that show--how did she remember me?

i commented to ross that if i had to go to a party full of people i went to high school with, i'd hate it. i'd be embarrassed to bring my real friends with me (this, of course, excludes a couple people like april dye, brad akard, and justin morgan). and i think ross was feeling me there, too. not to be altogether snobby, but i think we all three could tell that we were out of place. so, after less than an hour, we left.

coincidentally, a boy who sat in front of me in the class i didn't drop but am still not currently attending was at this party. i wondered if he recognized me, and i wondered if i should say anything, but i just decided to freakin' let it go.

05. my registration for spring semester is this week, on the 5th. i found out just a few days ago that i am officially a college senior. i really didn't know that (and that's how big of a slacker i really am, folks). so, i figured out that i'm only going to need about 10 more classes to graduate. yay for goals.

06. would you like to know how big of a nerd i am? ok, seriously. i was laying in bed a little bit ago not dreaming of chocolate bars, kittens, or my current crush like any normal girl. no, i was thinking about (ok, brace yourself), i was thinking about the anti-triangle. have you ever heard of this? in geometry, there's this thing called the anti-triangle, and basically what it is is something that appears to be a triangle but isn't because all the lines are on different planes. so there aren't any real angles formed because the lines never intersect. but just by looking at it, you'd never tell.

yeah, ok. the reason behind all that is the paint is coming off my ceiling over my bed, and there's this spot in the shape of a triangle. that triggered it. there's also a place that looks like a KKK member. there's even little holes in the ceiling where his eyes would be. it's creepy.

every time i look at that part of the ceiling, i remember a time months ago, after everyone had left my house following the wham! party, and me, lisa, and jeremy were left laying on my bed staring at this thing. for the longest time lisa didn't see it, which is crazy because it's so obvious. we were listening to yoshimi battles the pink robots then, too. i'll never forget it. and i'll never forget what *ahem* came next, either.

oh, was that too personal? i'm sorry. i'm a girl. get over it.

and was that bitchy? god, i really think there's been something hormonally wrong with me lately. some kind of imbalance. i've been really mean, and i'm sorry.

but then again, i am a spiteful, hateful girl. and i hold grudges. and i don't forget. and i could kick your ass if i wanted. but i won't, because i love and i care.

07. how did i go from simple geometry to that?

08. yeah, so doing nothing today. i may go to target because i need some new things to wear tonight (have you been to target lately? they've been getting some really cute stuff). yeah, anyway, like i can afford it.

09. tonight = mates of state and death cab for cutie at exit/in. MOS i'm very excited for, DCFC, not so much. honestly, i've never been a fan (even though my benny boy also fronts the winners of lori's favorite record of the year, the postal service...but i saw them play earlier this year, so...so i dunno what that means), but i guess i can appreciate them. but i just hate going to concerts where there's going to be a bunch of sad people listening to sad music. i don't go out places only to be depressed when i get there, you know?

something else: how can these emo kids be so sad? they all know each other; they all have, like, 75 friends. why are they so depressed? because it's a fad? scenesters...in 5 years they'll all be dead and it won't matter anymore.

just to clarify, by "dead," i don't mean physically. people will just stop caring that they're scene, and all their egos will die, and that'll give them something to really be emo about.

10. i learned the lesson a long time ago that i can't make friends with my friends' boyfriends and girlfriends. reason being, when they break up (i have a habit of saying "when" and not "if" when referring to these things) i don't want to be put in that awkward situation of who to console and for what reason, especially if it's a horrific break-up. case-in-point: one year ago today, lashon and jd. so yeah, i'll be nice, but no friends. sometimes i'm just as protective over myself as i am with the people i care about. sometimes.

ah yes, ectoplasm
written @ 2003-10-31 - 12:03 p.m.
spinning: feable weiner - "handjabs"

ross said something funny last night: "so, when am i going to meet your parents?"

i guess that's a normal question, but it just struck me as odd, i guess just because i hadn't really thought about it yet. i mean, it's not like we're in a relationship, we're roommates. and he's gay.

which reminds me, after a couple of long island teas last night, i said to ross, "if you were straight, i'd totally be into you."

why did i say that? i don't *really* think that. i mean, ross is attractive, yeah, but...seriously, why did i say that?

well, my day hasn't started yet. i woke up at 10:30 to sophie licking me on the face, and i got up and took her outside for a bit. then i've just been in here dicking around on the internet for the past hour. lisa and i went to target yesterday, and i made the mistake of leaving my bag in her car, so i don't have any of the stuff that i bought that i need. like, i can't take a bath like i need to because i don't have shampoo. i can't start getting dressed because i can't take a bath because i don't have shampoo, and besides, half of my costume was in that bag, too. and sophie can't play with her new krusty the klown toy, either.

so, really, nothing going on here. is it better to write about something or nothing? but is there really such thing as "nothing"? cause, when you think about it, "nothing" is still "something," and that kind of defeats itself, doesn't it? no point.

so i guess i'm gonna go do my nails and maybe watch a movie and wait for lisa to stop by with my stuff.