a demented little breakup, so to say
written @ 2004-02-24 - 3:21 p.m.
south - loosen your hold

and, it went much better than i thought it might.

i don't really know what to say.

i care deeply about him, and i still think about him every day and regard him highly...yet, i am not sad. i feel an uplifting form of relief.

it makes me happy to know that i shared something special with someone close to me, even if it became hideously deformed in the end.

i'll never look at him the same way.

part of me doubts everything, though. it's a learned reaction from experiencing this before.

i've got two comparison papers to write.

passion schmassion
written @ 2004-02-24 - 1:19 a.m.

am i the only person who doesn't give a shit about that new mel gibson movie?

ah yes, here we go
written @ 2004-02-23 - 2:02 a.m.

01. gin blossoms isn't just a band name. i know because i have them.

02. a hangover rivaling those of my past--like, those of 3 and 4 years ago. i thought that, at my age, i could hold my liquor. however, when kelby cauldwell starts feeling me up and then i fall to the floor knocking over furniture for no reason, i begin to question that.

03. [pictures coming soon]

04. i thought he'd misunderstand me. that's the problem when you're vague. i didn't mean him...because i get this twisted form of satisfaction when he's involved. to explain, here's who i was talking about.

chad called me this weekend very adamant about finding out if i am currently seeing anyone, which, as i've come to discover, only means one thing--something i'm not ever going to give to him again. i've known for months that chad mcwhirter is one of the shallowest people i've ever associated with, and this all makes the lot even clearer. i want depth to a friendship, not just "hey, check this record out--i read about it in pitchfork and i was the first person to buy it at grimey's, and that just proves how fucking cool i am. so, i'll burn you a copy and you can be cooler than the rest of your friends, too. by the way, will you suck my cock? cause that would be the coolest thing for you to do for a dude as cool as me." he just wants to have sex and then talk about the cd he's going to record and drop fucking names the entire time cause he's such a damn rock star. i've got to stop returning his calls. it just makes me feel sad and used.

ben #2 called me this week. that was a complete surprise, as i thought i'd never hear from him again, considering how much he used to brush me off when i'd try to have an innocent conversation with him. i don't know exactly what i did to ben frank, but he's been more bipolar than anyone i've come in contact with in a while concerning a relationship with me. maybe because on our third date i slept with him and immediately afterwards declined his invitation to cuddle and left his bed sobbing? i was at a weird place emotionally there....*sigh*

ben #1 touched my boobs yesterday. like, not in an accidental brushing way. it made me uncomfortable because i don't want that kind of relationship with ben moses anymore. i don't know what i want from ben moses anymore. last time we hung out (my birthday), i didn't feel the spark that i used to when being around him. perhaps that was only because he was living in indiana for the last few months, and we had to have some sort of catching up time. but, i don't know. i also feel like i've kind of received a reputation for being quote unquote easy in these situations. because i've slept with him casually before, he may think that whenever he's ready for love that i'm willing to share it with him. expectations get you in trouble.

but yeah, the other one...i'm relatively happy with him. i mean, if i hadn't wanted a [key word] ride home from him, i would've gotten someone else to do it. so he shouldn't "feel bad." but, admittedly, there's some shit there that i'm not ready to talk about yet. *dun dun dunnn* [is that foreshadowing? *gasp*]

05. jerry came in with a copy of ornament and crime, self's new album. i've known for a while that the band has had some trouble with their label, but it looks now like there's a possibility that they may be dropped from dreamworks since it was swallowed up by universal. so, the record may not ever actually be released, which is bullshit because it's fucking tight as hell.

06. i think i kissed laura last night, but i'm not sure. there's a couple pictures, but i don't know if we were faking it for the camera or not. laura's the new labcoat by the way. that's right, kids. we're coming back. and we will own you.

07. lucky bastard jamie is leaving for ireland on friday. he asked me tonight if i wanted him to bring anything back for me, and i tried desperately to think of a hott irish actor or poet or something, but i could only draw blanks. it was embarrassing almost, because i feel like i used to be more cultured than that. anyway, i was going to invite him to see laws rushing again with me this weekend, but oh well. at least i was thinkin' bout'cha, buddy!

08. is there some anti-death cab for cutie thing going on that night that i could go to? like, for spite, mainly. cause, i think i'm going to protest. make placards that say things like "transatlantcism is a disease" or "stop being so damned popular and annoying."

09. wait. i want weird al yankovich to do something called "the frodo album." it'll be all emo and nerdy. that would be the only dcfc-related project i would support. run with it, al.

10. wait. i support the postal service. don't call me a hypocrite.

11. wait. wait....

warsaw radio
written @ 2004-02-23 - 1:03 a.m.
self- ornament and crime.

friday night lisa, laura, and i spent the evening in watching the pianist. none of us had seen it.

can i say i wasn't impressed?

you hate me now, don't you?

i don't like thinking about the halocaust because it disturbs me. it was always one of those things in history class that i built a defense around.

adrien brody, however...choice.

mmm...grape slush
written @ 2004-02-16 - 4:43 p.m.
self - the half-baked serenade

i've been trying for the last hour to fix my toilet.

it's not filling correctly, which means that it won't flush correctly. actually, it won't flush at all.

let's blow it up.

or, that probably would be a bad idea. my bathroom and apartment would be drenched with toilet insides.

anyway, if anyone has any suggestions on how i can preoccupy myself during my free time this week, please let me know.

ps. sorry i haven't had anything interesting to say in a while.

you're a kitty kat--rawrr!
written @ 2004-02-10 - 2:16 p.m.
buffalo tom - sleepyeyed

it's my birthday, goddamn you all.

p.s. last night at cafe coco, a dude from channel 4 news interviewed me about the tennessee primary.

i'm praying that they can somehow edit it to make me look smart.

nightmares.
written @ 2004-02-09 - 1:15 p.m.

have you ever had such an intense dream that when you wake up, it leaves you with a headache?

that happened to me today.

in the dream, jeremy got a 2nd job at the dollar store across the corner from zanie's by my house. he also started dating heather (remember heather?), and it bothered me so much that i took it upon myself to go down to his new place of employment and pick a fight with him. my argument: they have nothing in common except desperation. his argument: i'm only mad because attention is being taken away from me.

it was heated. i yelled and yelled and yelled.

and then, before the resolution, i abrutly woke up to find i had slept on the futon last night instead of my bed.

democrat for life.
written @ 2004-02-04 - 9:24 p.m.

.i.h.a.t.e.t.h.e.p.r.e.s.i.d.e.n.t.

i want to drive to massachusetts, marry my best girl friend, and then spit in his face.

just because i could.

true story.
written @ 2004-02-04 - 1:30 a.m.

i'm glad you called today, ben moses.

lonesome for no one (denial)
written @ 2004-02-03 - 1:59 a.m.
metric - succexy

01. last night at coco peter and derek taught me to play chess.
02. i have a crush on peter.
03. but, "sorry, i don't hang out with ETSU students."
04. no really, i have a crush on peter.
05. he seemed to take an active interest in me.
06. help me, jamie.

tonight i fell in love with the new emcee at 12@12th.

"please, please record-a company..."

(he's japanese.)

hopefully i'm hanging out with amanda tomorrow. i'd like to go to the frist again to see the exhibit some more (they just opened a new one with picassos, el grecos, cezannes, and whatnot), but i really have no money.

my parents are coming at the end of the week. i need to ask someone to hang out with them along with me so that i don't hang myself before it's over.

adams to zappa.
written @ 2004-01-27 - 3:12 p.m.
beastie boys - something's gotta give

today my project is Unpack My CDs. i moved into this apartment almost two months ago, and that's the only thing i've left to unpack--which is kind of ironic because music is such a prominent part of my life. anyway, sounds like a pretty unchallenging task, but keep in mind, kids, i have upwards of 500 records in my collection. and i have to alphabetize and chronologi..tize...(god, i have no idea what the verb form of that would be) them all.

so, it's cold here. not cold like the northeast is cold, but cold still. it snowed here, too, but not like it snowed in the northeast. in summation, the south is not like the northeast.

i said that because i took the day off from school today, and i need some kind of bullshit justification. "it's too cold to go to class!"

no, you're just a bum.

but yeah, i've spent the day eating cupcakes that greer and i made last night and forgetting the alphabet (i have this problem especially when i go to the record store looking for an album, and i can never find it because i can't remember which letter comes first, L or F.).

i have a 158 IQ, i swear. i've got my high school permanent record to prove it.

that's another thing. you go through school, they tell you to shape up or whatever you're doing will go on your "permanent record," but then they just hand it over to you when you graduate. ooh, so scary, american public school system.

i don't know what i'm writing about anymore. and my foot is asleep.

last night, too, i was really bored and feeling narcissistic, so i put on a lot of makeup and took some emo pictures of myself. would you like to see? of course you would.

hooked on a feeling
written @ 2004-01-27 - 4:48 a.m.
cbs world news at 5am.

i wrote this in support of a friend of mine. i've spent the last 30 minutes staring at these words, halfway confident in my own actuality and halfway wishing i could fully believe them for myself. you be the judge.

"you know, there is nothing wrong with being picky.
you have to have quality control.
because if you don't, you will end up unhappy because you're dating a deadbeat.
and, you definitely don't want to sacrifice your integrity just to have a boyfriend--any boyfriend.
even if it means being single.
because it's not worth it unless you're with someone who is worthwhile.
that's the tricky part, finding someone worthwhile who thinks you are also worthwhile.
someone who isn't scared to be your best friend.
someone who isn't afraid to let go of his inhibitions.
someone who doesn't mind sharing a part of himself.

so, please, do not lower your standards.
because you don't need to.
because you are an amazing person.
trust me on this. i am only friends with amazing people.
don't be discouraged just because you've known a few jackasses in your lifetime.
you deserve the best, and you will find the best.
you've got the rest of your life to do it."

emo, emo, emo. goddamn it.

barhopping
written @ 2004-01-25 - 11:24 p.m.

stuart's face was very close to mine at the end on saturday.

and i'm sure it would have been even closer if greer had not been kicked out of springwater for being underage, causing me to have to take her home.

i don't know why i like him. all he does is look at you funny and make weird noises when you try to talk to him.

he plays the harpischord, though. how many people do you know who play the harpischord? huh?

thursday is the only day i've been looking forward to
written @ 2004-01-22 - 1:29 p.m.

alright, i just made the oddest observation of my life.

when you're naked, and you have to go to the bathroom, there's no un-buttoning of pants, no pulling down of panties...you just go in there, sit down on the toilet, and do whatever it is you need to do.

i sleep naked, so every morning since i moved out of my parents' house i've done this, and just now it weirds me out?

am i going to start having to put on shorts or something when i get out of bed just to go to the bathroom and pull them down again?

ugh, i'm so lazy. i should be in school right now. but instead, apparently i'm having a naked thursday afternoon because i'm too lazy to first think about what i want to wear and then put those clothes on.

i don't understand.

you're funny, white girl
written @ 2004-01-21 - 11:44 p.m.

ok ok, this makes me laugh probably way more than it should--from the onion: "African-American Neighborhood Terrorized By Ask Murderer"

please tell me you get that.

yeah, it took me a while, too.

in other comedy news, kevin and i are coming soon to your town.

tastylimefreeze: we should take our act on the road
KGP311: we would just sit backstage and IM each other and project it on a big screen
tastylimefreeze: oh my god, it would be so revolutionary
KGP311: comedy of the future
tastylimefreeze: i think pitchfork media is actually calling me right now

she's crafty and she's just my type
written @ 2004-01-18 - 1:10 p.m.

just last week, especially after the david confusion, i was toying with the idea of giving up boys for a while and trying out dating girls. i mean, not permanently of course, because i really do like boys way too much...but uh...i dunno. perhaps give it a shot.

now, i do realize that humans are generally alike, and that any emotional problem that would occur from dating a boy could also occur from dating a girl, and there's no escaping that. dating is dating, and that's just the way it goes.

but, i'm just kind of bored and curious, and i think it might be fun to change up my style for a bit.

ok, and on this note, i made out with four of my girlfriends last night. it was one of those "let's get the boys really hot for us and kiss each other" drunk nights.

i dunno.

i don't really have any conclusions from this yet. well, except one: courtney is hot, and her lip ring is hotter.

anyway, lisa just called to tell me she and todd have an extra ticket to see the features and my morning jacket at blue cat's in knoxville tonight, so i'm going with them. i'm excited because i haven't seen a real show in a while, and i haven't spent any quality time in knoxville in what seems like forever.

i'm sure it's going to be a damn good time.

a lot can happen in a week's time
written @ 2004-01-14 - 2:26 a.m.

you know...

i really am glad i cleared things up with him. i was beginning to feel things i know i shouldn't--partly out of my own doing, but mostly out of others putting ideas in my head--and i'm glad i don't have a reason to feel them.

even though i don't totally buy his story. i think he's afraid.

afraid that i'm going to walk out on him like so many others before me.

but the thing is, i acknowledge that he's not right for me. i would only want to see him for shallow reasons.

so, i probably would have ended up walking out on him.

and i still might.

because he bores me.

i really can't stand devotion.