lori no function beer well without
written @ 2003-09-14 - 2:39 a.m.
spinning: DJ SHADOW "BUILDING A STREAM WITH A GRAIN OF SALT"

let me be a schoolgirl for a moment.

today...well, technically yesterday, was jd's birthday. he kissed me when i gave him his present. i blushed and blushed.

like i said, he does things to make me fall in love with him every few months. i thought tonight might be the night that i hooked it up with him, since it was his birthday and we were drinking lots of alcohol, but i thought better of it and myself. woulda been nice present, sure, but i didn't want it to be just a birthday hookup if nothing else ever came out of it. if it ever really happens between us, i don't want it to be cheap like that.

by the way, my present to him was a way rad custom designed and made fossil watch done by me. i wish i had a picture...it was totally cool. totally.

***

ben moves back to indiana in less than a week. i don't know if it's permanent, but i doubt i will see him for a long, long time. i offered to take him out this week as a sort of last night in town thing. you know...it really makes me sad. i'm gonna miss that kid a lot more than i thought i would, i think. which leads me to believe that my feelings for him are a lot stronger than i let on. it seems that the things i get over most quickly are the things that come back around a few months later. *sigh*

oh captain, my captain
written @ 2003-09-12 - 1:34 p.m.

i, like most of my peers, was deeply saddened when i heard the news this morning, but as i was lying in bed thinking about it, i realized that i would have been sadder if june had not already died. i'm not a christian, per se, but i believe johnny cash and june carter cash truly were, and i was quite warmed recalling the words of a song they sang together when they were getting older:

"And I'll be waiting on the far side banks of Jordan,
I'll be sitting drawing pictures in the sand
And when I see you coming, I will rise up with a shout,
And come running through the shallow water
Reaching for your hand"

may johnny and june have their rewards, and we our albums.

the name of the game is snaps
written @ 2003-09-12 - 3:54 a.m.
spinning: !!! "ME AND GUILIANI DOWN BY THE SCHOOLYARD"

2003, i believe, will go down as one of the most disastrous, yet epiphanous years of my life.

live and learn. that's what it all boils down to.

last name: snotball, first name: youra
written @ 2003-09-11 - 4:18 p.m.
spinning: BEN FOLDS FIVE " NARCOLEPSY"
shoes: BLUE/GRAY SAUCONY JAZZ

ok, highlight of my day so far: gaining friendster friend #50.

i was at 49 for a long time, and, actually, i was wondering who the special person might be who would grant me the esteem of having 50 friends.

and today, who do i get a message from?

matthew fucking bell.

congrats, matt, you're #50. it's perfect, if i don't say so myself.

and here he is, in all of his stupid, overrated hott-ness:

god, is anyone else obsessed with friendster? i tried not to be, but it happened. i both love and loathe it.

in other news, i've got sad, sad tales of love and loss. but, no offense guys, i just can't write about it here. IM me, and we'll talk.

talk is cheap
written @ 2003-09-10 - 5:31 p.m.

jeremy, jeremy, jeremy.

you don�t know it, but you really inspire me sometimes.

JCP and i saw the movie �melvin goes to dinner� last night. first of all, yes, i recommend this movie, but not for the director (bob odenkirk), the actors (michael blieden, annabelle gurwitch, maura tierney), or the guest stars (david cross, laura kightlinger, JB). sure, all those things automatically make it uber-cool, but i recommend it because when you watch it, you will hopefully say to yourself, �man, i�ve had every one of those conversations before.�

thinking about that after leaving the theater, i realized how much i missed being able to have conversations like that. not saying that i am incapable of such things, but jeremy brought up a good point. he said that his high school friends were more in tune to that wavelength, that basically (and i paraphrase), his college friends weren�t quite up to the caliber for that kind of dialogue. of course i�m not saying any of his friends are dumb. and neither did he.

but, you know, i�ve kinda noticed that as well. my friends�every one of my friends is amazing in different ways, and i love them all for that. and we do have amazing conversations occassionally. but, for example, spending the weekend with april damn dye and justin (high school friends) is so much more intellectually and culturally appealing than spending the weekend at, say, APT 109 (college friends). not that the emo boys aren�t hideously engaging and entertaining�it�s just like using a different part of my brain when i�m with them. i think that�s perhaps why ben m. and i hit it off so well in the beginning--we had conversations that rivaled that of my past.

and then i think, �have i changed? have i grown bored with being scholarly?� and then, worst of all, �have i lost that kind of appeal?� when i signed on for this slacker lifestyle, i didn�t realize how much veritable oblivion would come with it. the only thing i�ve learned recently is how to get by on sick justifications and hasty rationalizations. i feel horrible for it.

along those lines, kinda, something else i�ve been thinking about: the root word in �ignorance� is �ignore.� but those two words have completely different connotations.

anyway, long story short, i want to have more amazing conversations. i want to revolutionize my life.

you in?

oh yeah, by the way�i bought cd�s today.

Clientele �Velvet Hour�

The Decemberists �Castaways and Cutouts�

The High Strung � These Are Good Times�

away with the pixies
written @ 2003-09-10 - 2:44 a.m.

i love this band more than i love my life.

i was just thinking earlier today how great it would have been to have been in college when the pixies were around, and husker du, and the replacements, and all these fucking great bands that people like p.j. and ryland got to experience first-hand.

it makes me jealous.

anyhoo...pixies fans, check this out.

nothing better
written @ 2003-09-09 - 4:57 p.m.
spinning: TAKING BACK SUNDAY "YOU'RE SO LAST SUMMER"

blake, on the postal service: "god, man, with the bloops and the blips--i just can't get enough of it!"

i <3 blake.

i just won this tshirt on ebay, and it rules.

project mayhem is a go
written @ 2003-09-09 - 1:53 a.m.
spinning: BECK "TODAY HAS BEEN A FUCKED UP DAY"

high five, gentlemen

part ii
written @ 2003-09-07 - 5:52 p.m.
spinning: THE POSTAL SERVICE "RECYCLED AIR"
drinking: HOME-MADE LEMONADE

tastylimefreeze: i'm sorry, i didn't hear my phone ring

tastylimefreeze: don't think i'm ignoring you

Meowwprrr: this is bothering me.. i needed to talk

tastylimefreeze: i just listened to your message

Meowwprrr: it hurts that you were pissed over something like that

tastylimefreeze: listen...i know your point. i know why you wouldn't have wanted to switch with him

tastylimefreeze: and i understand that people have to be selfish sometimes

tastylimefreeze: and i know you needed a break

Meowwprrr: so why did that justify being mad at me this long?

tastylimefreeze: but, you have to understand that me, lisa, and jd have been friends for a loooong time

tastylimefreeze: and it hurt me that he couldn't stay and have fun with us

Meowwprrr: it is not my fault he was scheduled for the morning

Meowwprrr: it is not my duty to make sure he can stay out late

Meowwprrr: it is not my fault that i wanted to sleep in because i cant sleep at night

Meowwprrr: it was short notice at that.. he called me THAT day... in the middle of me being at home at finding out yet more shit about my grandfather that made me even more upset

Meowwprrr: im sorry i didnt know i was suppose to put everyone elses feeliongs before my own

Meowwprrr: youve made me feel very small lori..

Meowwprrr: like im a piece of shit

Meowwprrr: thank you

tastylimefreeze: one opening shift. that's all i'm saying. and that's the end of it. because this is a stupid thing to be arguing over...just ridiculous. but, i think you got the wrong impression that i have been pissed at you all week for this

Meowwprrr: yeah one open shift.. WHY be pissed at me for that?!?!

Meowwprrr: that is a very very stupid reason to be mad at me

tastylimefreeze: because it was our friend's birthday

tastylimefreeze: special occassions merit special measures

tastylimefreeze: personally, i would have done it for you or him or any one of my friends

Meowwprrr: oo ok.. are you saying that youre a better friend than me?!

Meowwprrr: that im an asshole b/c i didnt switch!?

tastylimefreeze: no, i'm not saying that

Meowwprrr: well fine im an asshole

Meowwprrr: i dont care anymore

Meowwprrr: this is fucked up

Meowwprrr: really fucked up lori

Meowwprrr: i just hope you realize how much youve hurt me and how petty this was

tastylimefreeze: drop it, heather. i'm not mad at you for this

tastylimefreeze: i was, but i'm not anymore

tastylimefreeze: and it is petty, and that's why it's not worth fighting over

Meowwprrr: it is hard enough to live here.... and it even harder when the people i thought were my friends act like this...

tastylimefreeze: ok, go ahead and guilt trip me

tastylimefreeze: there's no reason for you to say "people i thought were my friends"

Meowwprrr: you already guilt tripped me

Meowwprrr: ive been commenting to andy all week about how you dont call anymore or we never hang out

tastylimefreeze: ok, remember i didn't have a phone for 4 days?

tastylimefreeze: and, whenever we hang out, andy is there...it's weird for me

Meowwprrr: why is it weird?

tastylimefreeze: because

tastylimefreeze: you are in a relationship.

tastylimefreeze: and, i like to go out

tastylimefreeze: you guys like to stay in and watch tv

tastylimefreeze: i'm 3rd wheel

Meowwprrr: but we dont think of you as the 3rd wheel at all

tastylimefreeze: that doesn't matter

tastylimefreeze: it's the way it is

tastylimefreeze: there's no way around it

Meowwprrr: look i hope that this doesnt fuck everything up.....

Meowwprrr: i understand that you wanted you 3 to hang out all night and have fun...

Meowwprrr: im sorry that i couldnt switch..

Meowwprrr: the point is i didnt.. and it was for my own reasons...

Meowwprrr: sometimes i have to be selfish... but also you have to forgive and understand ME

tastylimefreeze: i did, and i do

tastylimefreeze: i think you may underestimate my understanding capabilities

tastylimefreeze: from what you said before

Meowwprrr: just please known that whatever you think its like here.. its worse..... when i come home... its like im walking into death.. it litterally hurts to come home.

Meowwprrr: i must go now

tastylimefreeze: can i just say something real quick?

tastylimefreeze: and i hope you don't take this the wrong way

tastylimefreeze: but, i don't want you to think i'm IGNORING you, ever

Meowwprrr: ok

tastylimefreeze: but

tastylimefreeze: sometimes i feel like i'm your only friend...you know what i mean? like, you have andy and you have me as close friends...i just want you to know that that puts a lot of pressure on me

tastylimefreeze: cause i have a lot of people i hang out with, and a lot of things i like to do

tastylimefreeze: and i try my best to be a good friend to everyone

Meowwprrr: well feel lucky you have a lot of people to hang out with and a lot of things to do... and dont feel pressure.... i dont depend on you for anything.. im use to being alone and i dont really care

tastylimefreeze: out of honesty here and no offense...i can't tell if you're being condescending

Meowwprrr: no im serious. just feel lucky

Meowwprrr: you probably dont know what life is like to be alone

tastylimefreeze: i grew up alone, sweetie

tastylimefreeze: only recently have i broken out of my shell

tastylimefreeze: thank you, college

Meowwprrr: dont feel like that... that im a baby and i need you b/c youre my only friend... (not that im saying you called me a baby)... i just dont want people to feel that way about me

Meowwprrr: i dont want people to feel pity for me

tastylimefreeze: no, i don't think of you that way at all

and that was that, really. that�s where it ended. didn�t go too well, i don�t think. actually, i can�t even tell how it went. but, i think we got some things off our chests, which is good. you know, i have a different argumentative style than most people. i try to remain calm because i fucking hate arguing. there�s no point to it. but when the other person is flying off the deep end like that�i just, i dunno. there�s no communicating like that. i�ll probably invite her out to lunch or coffee or something, and hopefully she will be able to have an adult conversation with me now.

art alexakis bought me a beer
written @ 2003-09-07 - 2:48 a.m.
spinning: RADIOHEAD "SCATTERBRAIN"
# of hydrocodones left: 2

really, he did.

courtney invited me to meet her friend art from everclear (who was in town playing buzzfest), so i did.

i was supposed to see forget cassettes tonight, and ben, but things got shaken up a bit when i got that invite. you know, everclear has kinda lost...well, they were my favorite band when i was, like, 14...but...ok, fine. i still love them. i'm admitting it. "sparkle and fade" is still one of my favorite records of all time. i don't care what you cool kids say.

art's really nice, too. i can see why court <3's him.

oh yeah, hey. i saw rooney tonight, too. they weren't that bad. but, a little too sweet for me, if you know what i mean. a little too...ringo starr. i do like their single, though, but i think the rest of their stuff is just a bit mediocre at best...and i've got m o r e t o w r i t e but i'm about to crash, so i'll save it for l a t e r r r r r

it's real, it happens
written @ 2003-09-06 - 4:39 p.m.

heather, jesus christ.

Meowwprrr: we dont hang much anymore

Meowwprrr: and that pisses me off!

tastylimefreeze: we who?

Meowwprrr: me and you!

tastylimefreeze: yeah

Meowwprrr: you ok?

tastylimefreeze: yeah, i'm fine

Meowwprrr: ok ..just seems like you're mad at me or something

Meowwprrr: but you know how i am.. hehe.. i over think everything

tastylimefreeze: well, honestly, the whole thing with lisa's party kinda pissed me off, heather

Meowwprrr: really? why didnt you talk to me about it?

tastylimefreeze: but i'm not MAD at you

tastylimefreeze: i mean, we are friends

tastylimefreeze: shit happens

tastylimefreeze: you get over it

Meowwprrr: i wish you would have said something then...

Meowwprrr: i felt seriously depressed that week.. with home life..

Meowwprrr: its worse than you know here.. my grandfathers situation is grim

tastylimefreeze: i understand that, and i'm sorry

tastylimefreeze: i'm sorry that you have to live in that kind of environment

Meowwprrr: i wasnt in a party mood.. to be around people that are happy.. and deep down im not cuz i think too much.. it just wouldnt have been a good time for me and im sorry.. cuz i know that party meant a lot to you

tastylimefreeze: but it's not that you didn't go to the party, it's that jd didn't get to stay there very long at one of his good friends' 21st...cause he had to get up early to work...and your reasoning for not switching with him was that you were going, too....

Meowwprrr: i told him on the phone that 1. i was suppose to go.. and 2. that andy was off on monday.. so either way party or no party i wouldnt have wanted to open

tastylimefreeze: you ditched to spend time doing nothing with your boyfriend

tastylimefreeze: it doesn't matter anymore

tastylimefreeze: i don't want to talk about it

Meowwprrr: well i dont either..... it's bullshit.. and i was made to feel like an asshole because i didnt switch with jd...

and then she abruptly signed off. this is stupid, stupid drama. and i hate it. i hate that i have to have things like this in my life that annoy me. things like this are most pointless, and they shouldn't cause arguments. she's being lame. am i being lame, too? am i perpetuating this like i normally do? no, i don't think i'm over-reacting. this won't matter in a couple weeks, and i know that. but i'm pretty sure she doesn't.