i could be fucked like that 17 times a day and never get tired of it.

ha, how's that for a first entry?

*cough*

thank the lord, lisa labcoat is finally 21. the party went really well, and wasn't as weird as i imagined it might be. the weirdness i am speaking of can be defined in a couple of supposed situations. first, the presence of the boro snobs, and then, the presence of april powell. but, feable weiner and slack played a bunch of 50s songs which kept the hipster crowd entertained, and seeing april actually was a-ok. i guess she and i have reconciled our differences without ever really talking about them. good, good.

it's towards the end of the year, and things are better.

BUT...the always perpetual boy situation. here's your cast: BOYS A and B are my two best friends. BOY C is whomever i'm dating at any given point (which doesn't happen a lot, trust me). now, whereas BOYS A and B remain constant, BOY C will always be a variable. keep this in reference to future entries.

i've been thinking in passing lately that if i could combine BOY A with BOY B, then that would produce the most perfect BOY C. but that's neither here nor there right now.

the current BOY C and i have only been on one date. we've talked on the phone quite heavily. we've made arrangements for date #2 later in the week. but, i don't know if i want to date him. he's very nice and very cool, but there's something missing from him that turns me off kinda. i mean, it's not that he's boring, but talking to him is kind of a bore to me. like, there's nothing about him that intrigues me to the point that i'd like to make him mine.

which makes me feel terrible because i feel like i'm lying to him, leading him on, agreeing to go out with him when i really have no intentions of forming a relationship-relationship with him. i'm using him because i have nothing else better to do. not good.

but then again, we've only been out once. i gotta give the guy a chance, right?

and i can't help but think that the real reason i don't want to see him is that i'm hiding behind these quasi-infatuations i have for BOYS A and B. and by that, i mean friendly infatuations. i know that's a thin line to cross, but you have to believe me, it's a FRIEND thing. for instance, you know how when your best friend starts dating someone and you're still single, you feel in a way that your friend has been taken away from you because he's spending all his time with his new girl and none with you? here's a kind of correlation with that. if i started dating someone hardcore, i'd feel like i was cheating on my friends by seeing that person and not them. like, i'd be out with this guy and be distracted wondering what, say, jeremy was up to tonight or whatever. is that psycho? or is that normal? maybe i'm into this whole brotherhood thing more than i thought.

i dunno. and, like, for another example, jd and courtney have been hanging out a lot lately, and i've been getting a little jealous. and that's not because i think jd l-i-k-e likes court or anything, it's because i'm scared of being replaced in my best friend role. i know that's silly, but it's just something i've always been insecure about. i think it comes from being an only child and not really having that many friends when i was a kid (before i started school, i mean), and i don't know how really to form good relationships, and when i do, i'm scared of losing them. so, i hold tight.

but anyway, i have it good now. almost perfect. i get to hang out with cool people and have sex whenever i want. what more could a girl want from a relationship?